Short

I want a baby

I want a baby

There are many topics on the forum related to the desire to have a child. This is why I thought about some of the psychological aspects of a child's desire in a special article.

The way we want a child is different from woman to woman. Each one "sees" the mother in a certain way, according to her wishes, fears, personality, the role of this desired child in her life as a woman and in the life of a couple, the relationships with her parents, the memory of her own childhood, the need for fulfillment, of "materialization" of feelings towards the partner.

The manifest desire to have a child arises when the woman feels ready to become a mother. Some women especially take into account the material situation, "to have what to offer the child" being first. Others think about their age and the pressure of time, "I'm already 30 years old, I don't have much time to think." Good service, a partner who also wants a child, sometimes the insistence of parents or friends who ask: "what are you waiting for?", Colleagues, sisters, friends who have children or are pregnant, purchasing a home, achieving a satisfying professional status "I realized professionally, now I can afford to have a child" and how many others give us the "start" to think seriously about the child we want.

The path to becoming a mother is longer or shorter, easier or more difficult, however perceived very differently since the beginning of each woman. Some women start "systematically" by finding out if everything is okay with their body, determining with the partner if it is the right time for this step, giving up contraception, doing medical analysis with the partner, making sure they have what offer the future child ". In others, the desire itself predominates, the pleasure of being near a partner, their love, the dream they have from childhood of having children. Each of them, they think about their child, how he will look, what sex he will have, prepare material, affective for his coming, read, inform, shop, ask friends, ask for advice, opinions about pregnancy, birth, eventual dangers, breeding and care of babies. There are also women who are starting to buy books about children, doing a parent's school, preparing for birth, looking for other pregnant or new mothers to find out about their experience.

Of course, these preparations are not always conscious, being women who say "suddenly I started to look on the street after babies and so I realized that I want a baby myself". Others begin preparations after finding out the pregnancy.

Sometimes everything goes well, as we expected and the baby arrives on time when it is desired by both parents, in a welcoming home, a happy family to have him. Sometimes, though, things are not so ... and baby is late to appear!

What happens then in the woman's soul? In couple? What to do? On the one hand, there are medical investigations. And they are treated differently by each couple. Sometimes it is the woman who feels "guilty", at other times, the problem is sought together by the two partners. If it is discovered, the advances of the medicine have the word in trying to solve it, with treatments, ferritlization, insemination, etc. Other times, an objective, medical cause is not discovered and stress is the incriminated one. Partners are advised to relax, go on vacation, try to find a less demanding service.

In these situations, the expectation of a supporter especially for the woman, who often feels "incapable" of having children, the pleasure becomes an effort, the sexual act becomes a "theme" that must be done conscientiously in order to reach a goal. . We find women who say: "We have struggled x years to have a baby!"

In addition you can add the uncomfortable questions of the neighbors, the tests of pregnancy that always come out negative, the depression, the feeling of helplessness, fatigue. "I got tired of trying and not getting pregnant", "Everyone around me has children, only I don't have", "My husband wants a child and I can't give him".

On the other hand are the encouragement from the partner, relatives or friends, example of other moms who "succeeded" and now they are happy to hold their baby in their arms.

But beyond all these encouraging or malicious remarks from outside, from the acquaintances, it is important that the woman feels herself, as she perceives the situation, how emotionally balanced, emotionally mature. Because in such a tense situation, in which the desired child is left waiting, in which patience is hard to try, they can return to the surface of older traumas, frustrations, conflicts, resentments that I thought they had forgotten. They can be a psychic cause of infertility, not negligible at all, so that their "solving" sometimes leads to the expected result - the onset of pregnancy.

So we intend to talk on Monday, May 12 about desire to have a child and the impact of the single-line pregnancy test.

Psychologist Anca Munteanu

www.centrupsihologie.ro